Sometimes the ginger life ain't so easy. I'm having some problems and I think I can't go to bed with any semblance of peace of mind until I get these thoughts out of my head somehow. I don't like talking to people about it because there's nothing, really, that other people can do to help. In order to overcome these problems, changes are going to have to occur inside of myself. (Of course, others can give moral support and encouragement, which is greatly appreciated.) Not to mention, it's difficult for most of the people I know to relate to my problems. And, I haven't told many people about it yet, so in order for people to get the entire story, they'd be sitting there until next July.
But I'm going to tell you, O Blog Readers of Mine. Not just to tell someone, but so I can get these thoughts organized and presented in a fashion that will help me understand them as well.
The problems in my life either fall under the heading of Arrogance or Sloth or Hate. The arrogance of other people is getting me down; I always feel compared and judged by these people. And sloth because there are changes I want to make in my life, and I know how to do them... it's just that I haven't. There's no reason why I couldn't have done anything. I just haven't. And hate because I can't deal with hating humanity very well.
----------
Arrogance... It's really the arrogance of other people, and maybe some traces of arrogance in myself. I hate arrogance. In my humble opinion, nobody is better than anybody else and everyone is entitled to their lifestyle as long as it doesn't harm anybody (philosophical questions aside). I must admit that sometimes in my thoughts I fall victim to arrogance; many a time there has been when I have imagined myself better than some crude people I know. But I know that on the inside, we're all the same.
What really gets me, though, is the presupposed self-importance that many people carry around with them. I don't like it. It makes me feel a little bit sick to think that they think they're better than me. One person in particular haunts my life with his arrogance and immaturity even though I haven't spoken a word to him since December (who hereby will be referred to as Aforementioned Arrogant Person [AAP]). Every time I'm in his presence, I feel like every action I make should somehow be geared to telling him that I am not the lowlife he thinks I am.
But more than this person, I feel like the things I do in life should be done to tell everybody that I am worthy of high thoughts. Right now in high school, I'm dealing with everybody in my class who has a higher rank than me, higher GPAs than me, better scholarships than mine, more awards, etc., etc. In reality, I don't care that I don't have these things. I don't need them to be happy. All I wanted was to go to IU to study languages and become a translator, and I'm getting that! IU gave me enough financial aid so that I can realize my life goal. I have everything I want set before me, and I'm still suffering from bouts of depression because I feel like I have to prove myself to people. How messed up is that?
I had a realization one day that I live in an extremely competitive society where high achievement -- not happiness -- is considered success. I honestly do not give a flying fuck about achieving as much as possible. I care about achieving what makes me happy. But what makes me happy is not what everyone else thinks goes into the formula for A Good Person. Thus, my happiness goals conflict with the societal image of a person worth thinking highly of. Societal schemas still rubs off on me, though, and I can't help looking at all of the achievements everybody else has made and becoming depressed.
I'm all for achieving a lot in something you're passionate about. I haven't really been achieving much lately, though (see Sloth), and so that might have quite a bit to do with my depression. I want to be involved in humanitarian causes, languages, and religious activities -- all things I'm not doing right now. You should achieve great things in areas you have a passion in, by all means. But I'm not doing that either.
Social networking sites do nothing to help my obsessive comparisons. I look up a lot of people on facebook to see what they're up to way too much. If I weren't so obsessed on what everyone else is doing, then maybe I could get up off of my ass and go do something of my own. I'm making this out to seem like I'm a closet case, which isn't really true at all, but my words do have something to them. I spend way too much time in front of the computer, torturing myself by looking up AAP's profile and becoming so angry with the fact that he is so arrogant... I'm only emotionally beating myself up.
So when I compare myself all the time to everybody else, I can't help but feel lackluster.
----------
Moving on to Sloth. Admittedly, I am a lazy person and enjoy inactivity. This is destroying me, though, because as mentioned beforehand, I don't get up off of my ass to do anything. There are so many things I want to do, and I'm not doing them. Why? There is no reason why. A mental block, perhaps, but if there is one it is so subtle, I don't even know it's there.
I want to learn six languages, start some knowledge on my midwifery training, knit, lose weight, start on the path to religious realization, start my yoga training, and read. I also have a job and am going to be a college student. All of this is really hard to fit into one life, I know, but it is so doable. I know I can do it. And I don't. I'm not going to lie when I say that I have some problems with my weight. I'm not fat, but I am by no means fit, either. And this bothers me. I want to be fit. I have all the tools before me to become what I want to become, and I'm not doing it. Not doing anything to further my dreams drags down my self-esteem even more. And it makes me even more depressed when I look around at my life and realize that I am not a step further towards my goals today than I was a month ago.
----------
And finally, Hate. I hate humanity, I hate how people mindlessly go about their lives, I hate how I can predict where half of my graduated class will be twenty years from now. I hate ignorance and arrogance and apathy about important things. I hate lies and untruth. I hate war, fighting, and pointless conflicts. I hate atheism, intolerance, propaganda, irresponsibility, being woken up, boredom, and petty-ness. The list goes on and on, but most importantly, I hate AAP.
AAP and I used to be friends. We used to be very good friends, as a matter of fact -- he was one of my best friends. And then he started to change... and become more arrogant. He began to believe that his opinions on everything were better than everyone else's. He laughed at others' stupidity. Sometimes he would sit on the internet, find pictures of people, and laugh at them because they weren't like him. He thought his opinion was the only right opinion to have on naturally subjective matters, like politics and music. Then he found someone who was just like him and had the same arrogance level, and everything magnified tenfold. Now he likes to make fun of people who aren't like him. Eventually, I bitched him out and told him to stop talking to me.
I just can't get over losing him to something I dislike so much. I can't deal with the fact that I hate him. And I don't hate him, per se... but the thought of him makes me sick. I can't wait to get away from him when I go to college, yet I occasionally peek through his tumblr and facebook profile to see what he's up to, and everything I see intensifies my anger and dislike. I find myself thinking about him at least once a day, and I can relate so many things about him that I don't like to almost anything anyone says. It's sad. It's terrible. Because all of his activities or anything he does is just a representation of his arrogance and the pleasure I know he gets from being "different" and "hip" and (shudder) "avant-garde."
I hate all of this, and I can't let it go. His presence is a shadow over my life and there's no reason why it should be, but it is. My prolonged hatred of him is eating away at my spirit, slowly but surely, and I need to find a way out of not only hating him, but hating everything else as well. I need to find a way to deal with everything so that I can find inner peace and not be bothered so much by annoyance from AAP and the world.
---------
I compare myself to everyone and feel lackluster. I don't take the steps necessary to fulfill my aspirations. I am mired in the hatred of humanity and AAP. In short, I've got some problems and need to do something about it.
Arrogance will be solved when I manage to adhere to my own principles of happiness and achieve them. Sloth will be taken care of when I start working towards my goals. And Hate will be tossed away when I can manage to start the path towards self-realization and finally not be troubled so much by everything. Someone I know always laughs and is happy she's not like everything she hates; I can't do that. But maybe someday I can work towards it. I don't have to be angry at everything. I just need to learn to let things go.
Easier said than done, but at least I've identified the problem.
at least you can feel better comparing yourself to me
ReplyDelete